Swinbrook Village

"Wert shell weee dooooo?", says a 12 year old BBC commissioning twat, "The Apprentice isn't due back until next season and finding more than twelve useless pratts is getting harder since every channel (except 5) has taken to presenting most of the nation's imbeciles."

"Weeee weeel get Rrrraymond Blonk to preeetend eee izzz Alain Shooooger and eee izzzz finding zeee next coooolinary ontrepooooner to replaze Eston Bloomingnuisance", rrepiliezzzz (oops, replies) the office cleaner.

Gooood lerrrk with your programmz, Rrrrraymond (though I doubt you need it - you've been paid already). There was nothing on the other side and my Mother thought she was watching a cookery show.

Third time back - It is the best value around and the food is excellent.

Go there.

I found this on a blog. Makes me sick to think people are paid to monitor this whilst no one deals with it. This is a sick country and it doesn’t get any better jetting off to the caribbean twice a year.

It's amusing, sometimes, to look out of my window while I'm working (yes, I do work occasionally) to see the odd Golf turn up and park by the green. The lone female driver just sits in it until, a short while later, a company 'Beemer' rolls on behind and stops.

Out she pops, mobile still in hand, and walks to the passenger side, gets in without a word and off it drives. Sometimes she pecks him on the cheek across the Tiptronic and sometimes she doesn't even say a word.

They know each other well, haven't got a dog to walk, and you just wonder where their destination lies and what their business is about.

Some of you might be thinking 'an Al Khaeda cell, IN SWINBROOK!' but somehow my imagination conjours up a married fellow, overweight wife (3 children) and this foolhardy, lurvelost, woman who thinks he's going to leave the family and boat across the Med with her in eternal bliss. She's obviously not studied divorce settlements, yet.

Anyway, as long as they're happy and no one is hurt, I'm all for it. I may be wrong and she is the married one (more likely, really, as he is probably divorced already and that's why they're not in the Med) and she will have to get back to the ironing and drudgery that brought her to the village green in the first place.

They are not the only clandestine operation taking place here. I've even seen someone I knew (not biblically) from around here and she wasn't meeting her partner of many years, that's certain.

Running a blog can turn into quite a harrowing experience. Especially if, like me, you are a conspiracy theorist.

This is all down to webstats. I blame them entirely for putting me in a frame of mind that I really don't like at all.

Why, for example, is someone on an Apple Mac, on a Tiscali connection, looking up Gordon Pearce and Police at 7.35pm on a Friday evening and hitting on my site of all places?

It just makes you wonder, and that is something I hate doing at someone elses instigation as it distracts me from wondering about other, more profound, things like; do Quill's claws need cutting?

So, from now, I intend to ignore webstats and only access, analyse and use them in the event that I should need to. Otherwise, it could drive a reasonable person insane trying to work out the why's & wherefore's.

14 year old, pianist and composer, Jennifer Lin appearing at Ted Talks in 2004. If not all, just watch her improvising on 5 notes selected by Goldie Hawn (about 17 minutes in). Of course, we will live with the consolation that the UK produces Jade Goody.