Swinbrook Village

The other day I was summoned to Johanna Butt's to help set up her new BT Broadband connection. Not really a problem - I've done it many times before. Just one thing, though, she has an Apple Mac.

I've dealt with them twice in my lifetime and swore I would never touch one again. They are the 911 Carrera 4's of the computer world. God knows what goes on under their bonnet. Beautifully styled, ergonomically pleasing, and built for the young generation who couldn't give a toss about how to keep them going as, being able to afford them, they'll just call someone in to fix it when things go awry.

The broadband set up went well without a glitch and she had her new email account set up and I got her to notify all her friends and family of the change of address. I kept her old account so that she would still receive any stray mails going to it. Unfortunately, this meant that she would still receive the 300 spam mails a day that Freeserve had kindly let through for her.

"We'll keep it going for a few days and then trash the account", I said.

A few days later she called to say that some of the emails she was sending were not arriving at destination. "We'll trash the old account now", I said, "it's trying to send your new address through the Wanadoo servers and they won't allow it".

Now, on a PC, you simply delete the old account. A message asks if you really are sure and you click 'YES'. No problems.

A Mac is kind enough to ask you the same question. You say 'YES' but, it neglects to say that you will be wiping out all sent and received emails that you've treasured for the last few years.

Three hours, one glass of wine and a pizza later everything was back as it should be. Not because I had any idea what I was doing but because the 'beautiful' Mac had suffered a nervous breakdown a month earlier and some Mac 'specialist' had repaired it after backing up the machine properly on a CD. I had something to work with (otherwise there would have been zilch).

Anyway, Johanna is happy now.

'Where is this getting us?", I hear you yawning.

Well, today, Jillian caught me in the garden and said that I was so brilliant could I fix her leaking tap in the bathroom? I said, "Apart from a response to a request for further particulars, Quill needing a walk, my depressed state, Angina, Anxiety and all the rest, I may have a washer as I had recently tried to fix mine."

Several particulars later I turned up at her door, wrench and washer in hand. "I've got to go to the doctor in fifteen minutes", she said. "I'll know if it works in five", I replied.

Ten minutes later there was no drip.

"Funny", I said to her, "I did the same in my bathroom but the tap still leaks."

"You'll get your reward in another place", she replied.

"There is no other place", I said, "this is as good as it gets."

I won't concern you with the details of this sad story. You can read it here (Telegraph), here (Mail) and here (Community Care).

I can only say that the last 'target driven' agencies that behaved in this cruel, mindless, manner ran camps called Bergen-Belsen, Dachau and Auschwitz-Birkenau for a chappie called Adolph sixty odd years ago.

Fran is safe now - she's living in a place that drives on the right.

The next Swinbrook & Widford Parish Council meets at 7pm on Wednesday 21st November. You are entitled to sit and listen to the pressing matters in hand. If you have any matter that you may wish raised, now would be the time to contact the Parish Clerk, Mrs Baillie, in order to have it put before the Council.

PLEASE NOTE: Date has now been changed to 21st November.