Swinbrook Village

Well, that didn't last long. After one fifth done - the strimmer bust(?).

Must have spoken too soon.

Hmmm….thank you Lord. (or is it that you noticed the state of your churchyard?)

As I sit contemplating suicide over a client's website header that just won't sit right, outside my window the whine of a strimmer comes from the village hall 'garden'.

I always said singing out loud was good for you.

Praise the Lord.

And did those feet in ancient time
walk upon England's mountains green?
Well probably, they trod them all
except for Swinbrook village hall

Weeds overgrown and Cleavers dank
the stream become a septic tank
and spores galore these weeds do bring
there's no room for a living thing

The other day I spent an hour
using what seemed like Moses' power
to part their grass 'til I could scream
to let some water through my stream

Who should we see? I hear you say
it is to Rob Lane we must pray
and hope that he will get it done
before the end of Wimbledon

—–

The Parish Council will ignore
disgraceful messes at my door
when they do pounce so bold and bare
on Nettles near their treasure rare

Sixty quid would do the trick
to deal with weeds and growth so thick
the village hall has dosh to spare
I know not how for no one's there.

—–

I hear eleven grand's the pot
spend it on loos or spend it not
this seems to be the ethos clear
how this place looks is but small beer

But if the Lord comes down from high
and asks who left his land go by
I shall reply, "oh Lord not me
speak to the Hall Committee".

The latest sign to grace the perimeter of Swinbrook. All that money and nothing to show for it?

What dickbrain thought up this one?

I suppose this could be the countryside equivalent of City banking except that I'd only be ripping off the the Treasury (oops, forgot, it's not their money - it's ours).

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

A friend, who is in farming, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pig not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all Government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to not rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you do not want rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority guidelines on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I shall be totally unemployed and should, therefore, qualify for unemployment benefits as well. Or do you consider not rearing pigs as gainful employment?

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX

Some week or so ago I was walking the young girl and spotted a woman rummaging around the boot of her car at the Widford end of our walk. Out popped a portable easel, sketch book and a box of pencils, paint brushes and what have you.

We walked on up to the bridge. I always tell Quill we're checking the water levels but, in reality, that's about as far as I want to go. We walked back and eventually overtook the woman and left her behind. She was headed toward Widford Church.

Days go by and coming back on the same walk I spotted this addition to the burgeoning signwork in that area.

Thing is, it's a small world and I found out later that a woman from a local painting class had been visiting the Widford footpath to paint the Church when she was accosted by an irate woman who told her she had no business painting in the area. Seems their farmerships own the views as well.

I guess from the sign that she managed to paint something after all.