Swinbrook Village

The other day I was summoned to Johanna Butt's to help set up her new BT Broadband connection. Not really a problem - I've done it many times before. Just one thing, though, she has an Apple Mac.

I've dealt with them twice in my lifetime and swore I would never touch one again. They are the 911 Carrera 4's of the computer world. God knows what goes on under their bonnet. Beautifully styled, ergonomically pleasing, and built for the young generation who couldn't give a toss about how to keep them going as, being able to afford them, they'll just call someone in to fix it when things go awry.

The broadband set up went well without a glitch and she had her new email account set up and I got her to notify all her friends and family of the change of address. I kept her old account so that she would still receive any stray mails going to it. Unfortunately, this meant that she would still receive the 300 spam mails a day that Freeserve had kindly let through for her.

"We'll keep it going for a few days and then trash the account", I said.

A few days later she called to say that some of the emails she was sending were not arriving at destination. "We'll trash the old account now", I said, "it's trying to send your new address through the Wanadoo servers and they won't allow it".

Now, on a PC, you simply delete the old account. A message asks if you really are sure and you click 'YES'. No problems.

A Mac is kind enough to ask you the same question. You say 'YES' but, it neglects to say that you will be wiping out all sent and received emails that you've treasured for the last few years.

Three hours, one glass of wine and a pizza later everything was back as it should be. Not because I had any idea what I was doing but because the 'beautiful' Mac had suffered a nervous breakdown a month earlier and some Mac 'specialist' had repaired it after backing up the machine properly on a CD. I had something to work with (otherwise there would have been zilch).

Anyway, Johanna is happy now.

'Where is this getting us?", I hear you yawning.

Well, today, Jillian caught me in the garden and said that I was so brilliant could I fix her leaking tap in the bathroom? I said, "Apart from a response to a request for further particulars, Quill needing a walk, my depressed state, Angina, Anxiety and all the rest, I may have a washer as I had recently tried to fix mine."

Several particulars later I turned up at her door, wrench and washer in hand. "I've got to go to the doctor in fifteen minutes", she said. "I'll know if it works in five", I replied.

Ten minutes later there was no drip.

"Funny", I said to her, "I did the same in my bathroom but the tap still leaks."

"You'll get your reward in another place", she replied.

"There is no other place", I said, "this is as good as it gets."

I won't concern you with the details of this sad story. You can read it here (Telegraph), here (Mail) and here (Community Care).

I can only say that the last 'target driven' agencies that behaved in this cruel, mindless, manner ran camps called Bergen-Belsen, Dachau and Auschwitz-Birkenau for a chappie called Adolph sixty odd years ago.

Fran is safe now - she's living in a place that drives on the right.

The next Swinbrook & Widford Parish Council meets at 7pm on Wednesday 21st November. You are entitled to sit and listen to the pressing matters in hand. If you have any matter that you may wish raised, now would be the time to contact the Parish Clerk, Mrs Baillie, in order to have it put before the Council.

PLEASE NOTE: Date has now been changed to 21st November.

This is a step too far on the part of the planners for Regents Park. I have simply chosen to copy the words of The Friends of Regents Park & Primrose Hill and urge you to log in to their website at http://www.friendsofregentspark.org/ if you feel have a view on this matter.

"SAVE OUR PARKLAND

There is a planning application to put 10 astro-turf five-a-side football pitches covering an area of nearly 5 acres, including concrete parking space and a clubhouse.

We will lose 60 trees and meadow area rich in insect life, a feeding area for Bats and a nesting area for Tawny Owls.

The Golf and Tennis school has been closed, so losing a well-loved facility that has been in the park for nearly 100 years.

The 1200 Friends of Regent's Park & Primrose Hill, together with most of the local amenity groups, are opposed to this project. To register your protest visit the website at http://www.friendsofregentspark.org/

The closing date for the petition has been extended, yet again. This has occurred because Westminster has been unable to validate the application due to certain sections of the proposal yet to be re-submitted by 31st October 2007."

My personal view is that these are not amenities for the public but aimed at the corporate market and will do little but detract from the ever decreasing 'wild space' of what is still a wonderful place to walk your dog in the centre of London.

There are plenty of sports pitches available. This is an investment too far and at the expense of the public who get much pleasure from the park as it is.

Not much time to write at the moment, but here's a quicky tip I picked up recently from a friend. She has been a Tory candidate, Mayor and now a local councillor.

As the silly season may be upon us soon, Cameloon is staving off an election and Brown must be tempted to go ahead, some of you may be wondering how to register your disgust at the second raters who will be putting their names forward come ballot time.

Do not spoil your paper by writing f…ing twit against a candidate's name. This can be construed as a vote for the sad bastard and help them along their way (honestly).

You need to register your protest in a vertical manner, thus encompassing all the incumbents, so that no one can be awarded your non-vote.

Take in your own thick black felt tip (pencils just do not state your case strongly enough) turn your ballot paper 90 degrees and start from the left writng "Rod was right - you're all a bunch of tossers", making sure that you cover all the candidates.

I will reciprocate by writing, "They made me do it - I'm off to France."

Today, as I walked back home with Quill, I happened upon Karen from the local Spar shop who was delivering provisions to the Village Hall for tomorrow's Bingo Bash.

Nosey me had a look inside the van and saw multi packs of crisps etc, but was taken aback by several packs of Sugar Puffs.

"Are they for the Bingo?", I ask. "Yes", came the reply.

Well if they work after the no smoking laws came in, it's good enough for me. Out go the expensive Niquitin Lozenges and in come the Sugar Puffs.

I am assuming that is what they are for because I can't imagine someone calling 'house' with a spoonful of milk and puffs in their gob.

By the way, you lot, could you stop leaving your empty fag packets strewn by the village green and just put them in the bin beside the village hall door, there's a good darlings.